Walk Thought: The Landscape of Loneliness
“Walk Thoughts” are just as their name suggests - thoughts spurred on through time when my feet are grounded on the earth and my hair is blowing in the wind; moving in nature and being moved by nature. These are candid thoughts of mine (Dani) brought on by conversations with others, books, podcasts, music, or simply time of solitude. Though these thoughts are somewhat clinical in nature, they are held with an open palm, as they are designed to provoke MORE thought and may not be fully completed thoughts yet. Enjoy growing with me as we explore this together!
“We are the most connected and the least known we have ever been…”
A common theme of my conversations with people over the past month has been experiences with loneliness.
Loneliness and isolation are both commonly found in symptom lists for a wide range of mental health disorders and was named an epidemic in the United States by the Surgeon General Vivek Murphy in May of 2023. I have spent some time both on my walks and with pen and paper trying to piece together my own experiences (intentionally plural, as they were very different encounters that I will explore deeper as we continue on) with loneliness - definitions, links, patterns, disruptions, gut feelings, and inner knowings. My metaphorical mind map went from easy, runnable terrain to a steep, technical climb very quickly when taking a more critical lens to my own understanding of loneliness.
Therefore, I want to start by saying that loneliness is wildly complex; it is not as simple as “feeling sad when alone.” And just like other states of being, I’ve generally noticed it comes uninvited and stays for a season, not just a short visit. However, that is not to say for some people, loneliness is yet another passing feeling that comes and goes, because loneliness is an entirely individual experience, which means in some ways it perpetuates its own existence. (Take a second to read that again… this was a big moment of clarity and clearing for me.) My intention in this blog is to present my current individual internal landscape of loneliness in hopes that it may give others a different perspective on living with loneliness rather than within it, feeling lonely instead of being lonely, and believe it or not, separating sadness from loneliness.
Actually, let’s start there, since that is where my mind began to really go deep into my curiosity cave: are loneliness and sadness inextricably linked? I decided I wanted to blog about this topic after a casual conversation with two friends whom I shared in a very lighthearted manner that when I feel lonely, I will sometimes put on Sally McRae’s “Choose Strong” podcast to let her laughter fill my kitchen while making dinner or doing some notes or taking a walk. Their immediate, caring response was, “Aw! You feel lonely?” I was actually quite confused at first, because I was expecting a response about Sally and her zeal for life or interesting podcast topics. Instead, they had empathetically saw my loneliness and felt concerned.
First, what wonderful friends to hear me (at a really early time during a workout, might I add) and hold space for that feeling. Oddly enough though, no part of me in the scenario I was sharing with them actually felt sad or needed held. I realized in that moment that in recent months, my relationship with loneliness has existed void of sadness. “Is that even possible?” Intrigued, I went to the dictionary. The first listed definition of loneliness is, “being without company.” AH-HA, it is possible. Nothing about being without company requires sadness. Two definitions later, “sadness from being alone.” Hmm… ok, maybe not.
Then I wondered, “What about just ‘Lone?’”
Having no company
Preferring solitude
Only, sole
Situated by itself
I wasn’t thrilled with any of these definitions. My “lower case ‘u’-understanding” of BEING lonely is best defined as believing that I am unknown. However, I would have to differentiate my definition of FEELING lonely as acknowledging being only in the presence of myself. Note: both of these can occur in the physical presence of others, or in total isolation. Go deeper and spend some time on that thought for yourself.
I am a believer that BEING and FEELING are two very separate experiences. Reframing ”being” statements to “feeling” statements can be a hard habit to break, and is a radical mindset shift. Think about the difference between these two statements:
I AM HOPELESS. In this statement, the person embody hopelessness. They become one with hopelessness. It becomes a piece of their character which defines who they are.
I FEEL HOPELESS. Conversely, notice here that they are identifying a feeling that, as I said earlier, come and go. It is noticing a change IN your being, not a change OF your being.
Still with me? I love mental visuals (my clients know this and often laugh at my random analogies that I hope are just goofy enough to stick in their minds until I see them again), so maybe this will solidify this concept:
For the differentiation of being and feeling, I often describe an image I once saw of a lady on a boat in rough waters juxtaposed next to an image of her visibly struggling in those same rough waters beside the unoccupied boat. The idea is that in one image, she is observing - noticing - feeling the chaos (name your chaotic feeling) from the safety of the boat. It didn’t take away the chaos, but it wasn’t overtaking her. In the other, it is overwhelming her, and she is deeply within the mess of her feelings. So, can you find yourself on the boat rather than in the water? Can you practice FEELING instead of BEING an emotion?
Phew, ok, this is all good work - let’s keep going. This is an ultra marathon length topic, not a 5k topic, so hang in there. We’ve just scratched the surface!
How does this relate back to loneliness? While playing with my definitions of feeling lonely versus being lonely, I noticed that I find loneliness and sadness have a cause-and-effect relationship. If I notice that I feel lonely, I then have a few potential responses. I will disclose here that for a season of my life, my response was indeed to feel (and often times, be) sad. I believed I was unknown and felt that I was in the presence of only myself, whether that was physical, emotional, or both.
Here is where I start to get a little giddy, because I find this next part pretty darn hopeful: more recently, the effect to the cause of loneliness in my life has been peace. Feeling lonely feels almost synonymous to experiencing the restoration of solitude. There is a disruption in between the cause-and-effect of lonely = sad, so now the equation looks more like lonely AND known = peace.
KNOWN. To be aware of through observation, inquiry, and information; a relationship developed through meeting and spending time with someone or something. The juicy bit: I unfortunately would bet that in society today we are the most connected and the least known we have ever been. (This was another being clarifying piece for me… maybe read that again, as well.) Most of us have an ever-present illusion of connection on our person at all times through social media. And yet, I have teens who spend hours a day of different platforms saying they feel completely alone and don’t know anything about the people they call their friends, wishing they could go back to Kindergarten where they learned things like their friend’s favorite color or middle name.
To be known can feel somewhat out of our control, and as both people I have coached or counsel know, I LOVE to focus on “controllables.” But in actuality, my experience is that I do have a piece of ownership in feeling known because I can feel at home within myself, learning about who I am through intentional observation, inquiry, and information. I can develop a relationship with myself through meeting myself where I am and spending time with that ever-changing person.
In addition, I am always fully known by my Creator, which is an even deeper form of grounding that I could write a million more blogs about. For some, that brings tremendous comfort, though I recognize and respect that faith is not a path that everyone chooses.
When was the last time you set apart time to develop a relationship with yourself?
In my most recent time spent with myself, I realized that the things I used to fear have become things that I often desire: getting totally lost in the woods, time alone, moving far away, making new friends, and even sometimes being with my loneliness.
